My father was a very “strict” man and why I mention this is crucial to the rest of my life story.
I am going to contradict myself and say that he was not actually strict, he was confused. You see, he came from a religious background, (his father was a preacher) and from my perspective, I have noticed that some religious people have a false sense of superiority. My father has always been obsessed with my Grandfather and his legacy.
And this legacy ended up damaging me.
My father is an educated man, his family wasn’t. I think part of him wanted to modernize but he had to conform to his family’s image. Unfortunately for us, he made the mistake of marrying outside his family. Which culminated in a life of emotinal abuse for me.
I don’t know about the west, but in countries like ours, people are obsessed with the idea of a male child.
My mother wasn’t able to concieve one. And that gave my paternal side of the family to pick on her. She was highly educated and came from an esteemed family, but none of that mattered because she wasn’t able to produce a boy.
Because my father had married outside his family, he had to deal with everyone’s criticism.
A city woman can not be disciplined they’d say. And to prove that he could infact discipline a city woman, he emotionally abused us.
I hated this, I hated how my own father wouldn’t stand up for me. And it wasn’t just that, he controlled everything I did, they way I walked, talked, the clothes I wore. I never wore provocative clothes but I never wore a hijab that was one thing I tried to control.
But it came with a price, from age 8 I started avoiding my father. I put up with it till my teenage life. And when I went to college, I finally said fuck it, he’s never going to let me breathe. And I decided I was going to become a doctor and study to leave the country. I want to put as many miles between us as possible.
I know it isn’t really that big of an issue, there are worse things happening in the world, but as puny as it was, it affected my whole being.
He tried to suppress my personality. And in the process, I lost a part of myself.
Around age 17 I developed depression with anxiety and panic. To say that it has wrecked me would be an understatement. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my brought up.
I want to cut this short because I’m sleepy.
But here is the thing, I don’t know if anyone reading this is a parent but if you are, I urge you to let your child be a child, let them grow and explore life. Because if you don’t it will destroy them and it will most certainly result in you being alienated by your own children.