How strict parenting has impacted my life.

My father was a very “strict” man and why I mention this is crucial to the rest of my life story.

I am going to contradict myself and say that he was not actually strict, he was confused. You see, he came from a religious background, (his father was a preacher) and from my perspective, I have noticed that some religious people have a false sense of superiority. My father has always been obsessed with my Grandfather and his legacy.

And this legacy ended up damaging me.

My father is an educated man, his family wasn’t. I think part of him wanted to modernize but he had to conform to his family’s image. Unfortunately for us, he made the mistake of marrying outside his family. Which culminated in a life of emotinal abuse for me.

I don’t know about the west, but in countries like ours, people are obsessed with the idea of a male child.

My mother wasn’t able to concieve one. And that gave my paternal side of the family to pick on her. She was highly educated and came from an esteemed family, but none of that mattered because she wasn’t able to produce a boy.

Because my father had married outside his family, he had to deal with everyone’s criticism.

A city woman can not be disciplined they’d say. And to prove that he could infact discipline a city woman, he emotionally abused us.

I hated this, I hated how my own father wouldn’t stand up for me. And it wasn’t just that, he controlled everything I did, they way I walked, talked, the clothes I wore. I never wore provocative clothes but I never wore a hijab that was one thing I tried to control.

But it came with a price, from age 8 I started avoiding my father. I put up with it till my teenage life. And when I went to college, I finally said fuck it, he’s never going to let me breathe. And I decided I was going to become a doctor and study to leave the country. I want to put as many miles between us as possible.

I know it isn’t really that big of an issue, there are worse things happening in the world, but as puny as it was, it affected my whole being.

He tried to suppress my personality. And in the process, I lost a part of myself.

Around age 17 I developed depression with anxiety and panic. To say that it has wrecked me would be an understatement. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my brought up.

I want to cut this short because I’m sleepy.

But here is the thing, I don’t know if anyone reading this is a parent but if you are, I urge you to let your child be a child, let them grow and explore life. Because if you don’t it will destroy them and it will most certainly result in you being alienated by your own children.

Study Rant (Biochem Edition)

I’m yo-yoing between loving and hating molecular biochem.

Like What the actual f*&*?

I’ll love learning the concept for 5 minutes and then revision starts and I want to rip my hair off.

I don’t know who to talk to. I’m actually getting really irritated tbh.

I hate how we weren’t taught biochem properly im school 😭😭😭😭😭

My USMLE story: Chapter 1

For the longest time, I have wanted to take the USMLE exams. I am an IMG and though a few of my colleagues did take this exam during their time in college, I unfortunately could not.

My reasons for not taking the exam are many fold, but at the end, it all comes down to the simple fact that I couldn’t do schoolwork and a prepare for a foreign medical exam. I just could not. So when it was time to do my training to practice medicine here in Pakistan, I decided to sit it out because my goals didn’t require me to have my license here.

I was met with a lot of criticism. Everyone and their neighbor had an opinion. I try to mind my own business (for the most part) but it was really frustrating to see how I had to be answerable to every other person. I was really confused but I knew that I couldn’t study for this exam and have a job so I did what was needed. I skipped the interview and started studying for the exam.

It was going smooth and I was extremely satisfied with my progress up until last week. I had to give up on the preparation for a week and I am back to square one.

It is extremely frustrating because I haven’t even started and I have already let my defeatist attitude take over the situation.

I have spent the last few days feeling extremely frustration, anxious and hopeless. my tension headaches are back and I can’t talk to anyone about it. Atleast anyone who would be able to listen to my rants.

I just want Ramadan to end so I can start focusing on my studies because for me fasting and studying simultaneously is impossible.

Wish me luck Folks!

My Second “First Ever Blogpost”

For the sake of my privacy, I do not want to share my identity, at least for a while.

I’m not new to WordPress, I’ve been a blogger here for the past couple of years. I often speak about my mental health and my journey towards self growth, or at least that is what I was doing on my previous blog.

I felt I was holding myself back from putting my feelings out there. Half of it was fear of judgement and the other half was just me. No excuses. None. Nada.

And so I avoided blogging for the longest time. But here is the thing: The more I keep my feelings to myself, the shittier it makes me feel. I thought long and hard and I realized I had two options. Either I could not blog, or forget that my last one existed and start from scratch and that is exactly what I’m doing.

It was not like I had millions of followers who would miss my blogs. It was just me who missed them.

So here is to new beginnings,

I’d love for you to join my little journey.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton